This is an important update, but I’ll try to keep it relatively short.
I was abused physically and emotionally growing up, and understandably those experiences have left some pretty serious psychological issues.
Depression, anxiety, and recurring insomnia are some of the most obvious effects. I struggle with attachment (either overattaching or struggling to open up at all, instead of the healthier middle ground) as a result of being completely shit on repeatedly earlier in my life, particularly during formative years. Certain things legitimately trigger some kind of memory or emotion from trauma, and that can spiral me for hours (or days, or weeks) into a place I don’t want to be in.
These are things I’ve talked about to varying degrees privately with different people over the years, including trusted friends, a couple of different therapists and GPs, and one particularly supportive patron. To just about everyone else, some of this will come as a bit of a surprise – and if you don’t know me in-person then perhaps most or even all of it.
I felt that I owed my readers, viewers, fans, and supporters an explanation for why my deadlines always seem to slip sooner or later. An explanation for why I put out a dozen articles and videos one month and then none for the next three. It’s not that I didn’t try, it’s just that my best efforts have an extraordinary battle to win, and as they say: you win some, you lose some.
My best gets better as I do, but far too often my best is still not enough.
Mini-FAQ:
Oh. Are you okay?
Sometimes I am, and sometimes I’m not. I don’t know if I have much of a better answer than that that’s actually truthful. I’m continuing to try different things, and have semi-recently found some new resources that have been particularly helpful to me. I’m extremely-cautiously mildly optimistic about my long-term recovery.
Is there something I can do to help?
To be honest, I don’t know. This question will be even more fun for people who actually know me irl, as now nobody knows what to say q:^)
Why did you go public with this now?
When I’m not sure what to say I generally just default to being straight up and honest, and since I felt the need to say *something* to explain my content cadence, here we are.
It’s also something I think I’d like to be able to talk about more in the future, as I have no doubt there are other people who’ve been through something similar without fully realising what happened, but nonetheless having to live with the effects (like me pre-2019).
So what happens to the Olaf guide / content X?
I have (many times) considered giving up on the Olaf guide due to repeated lapses in my ability to maintain the focus required to 1) gain the necessary knowledge by playing LoL and studying/researching and 2) put that into words and pictures and videos, all with some nice formatting and stuff. For now it’s still on the radar.
At the same time, with formal studies on the not-too-distant horizon, I have an external deadline now, and if I can’t finish it by then the best course of action may be to drop the project (and release the formatting work I’ve done so that others can at least use that part). I’ll do my best to finish and publish it, but under the circumstances can’t provide anything close to a guarantee of a result.
For other projects I’ve publicly announced I will also try to complete them when I can (I don’t consider them affected by the commencing-study deadline), with the possible exception of the System Guide (which I currently plan to adapt to a format which is less time-intensive to complete).
As someone who has also battled with emotional abuse and trauma, I can really empathise with the pain that it leaves inside of us. It’s not something we can explain properly but it’s a feeling of regret, discomfort and the feeling of instability – and it can be one of the most anxiety provoking things of all times. Take your time dude, one day at a time, wishing you all the best.
I appreciate that. I didn’t really think a comment from a stranger would do much for me, but I guess hearing from someone who’s been there makes me feel some kind of immediate bond over that almost shared experience – despite living separate lives. Hopefully over the next few years I can talk more about this to help people who have had to deal with the same things we have.